Jokes

by PastMember1 on Sun 07 Nov 2010, 11:33 pm

G Day All,

Just a few Jokes Very Happy

3 Dogs

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and thats why I'm here".

The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug".

The next dog then comes in and says,"My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!".

"And thats why youre here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

Never under any cirCUMstance....

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you cant dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11. Never lick a steak knife.

12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think shes pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Your Mum

A man and his wife are having sex when their 10 year old son walks in and screams, "Oh my God!"

The husband says "Ill go to his room and explain to him what was going on."

When the father walks in he finds his son having sex with his grandmother.

The father screams "Oh my God!!!"

"Yeah," the son replies, "Its not so funny when its YOUR mother!"

Post some of your jokes up Cool

by PastMember1 on Thu 11 Nov 2010, 11:13 am

Nobody likes my jokes Sad

Heres some more then Laughing

Historical Marrige

A man complains to a friend, "I cant take it anymore.""Whats wrong?" his concerned friend asks."Its my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!""You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling."No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, shell go "I still remember that time when you ...."

Soon to be mother in law..

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didnt want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.Waiting in the cab, my wife doesnt want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, Hes just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. Sorry I took so long, I
said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her A*s with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat A*s downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not sh*t in the vegetablegarden again!

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Feeling good
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said,
"No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that," the host asked?
Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks
...anyone can!"

by **{FB}VSync** on Thu 11 Nov 2010, 11:32 am

Ha, very good Arise.

by **{FB}Zebitty** on Thu 11 Nov 2010, 1:57 pm

lol @ 'your mum'

by **{FB}Alnitro** on Thu 11 Nov 2010, 3:40 pm

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